Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
