Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
