Swine flu. Run for my life!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
