I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
