rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
