My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
