bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
