I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
