How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
