Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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