this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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