things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
