Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
