i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sorry about my life...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
