My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
