in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You have to summon your inner elephant
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
