just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
