man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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