Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
