Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
