i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
