Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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