On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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