I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
