Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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