my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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