how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
