He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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