i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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