While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
