life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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