I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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