he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
