I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
