I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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