So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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