how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
