She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
