I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
