im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
