im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
