I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
