i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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