My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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