I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
