a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
