using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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