just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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