did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
