I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
