I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
