Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
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No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.