Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.