new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult