Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
