I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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