even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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