I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
