I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
