Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
